Naked Feet

This is another poem I wrote that night on the road back from the Biltmore Estates. Another piece of my heart, and further insight into what my Lover, my Father, my Provider is doing in me...

Something has changed

I don’t know what it is

But I love it so

Nothing in my way

No burden on my heart

No secrets to betray

No man to make me cry

My heart isn’t breaking

My soul isn’t draining or dry

Without need to try anymore

For someone who cannot love my heart

I’m alive! Not breaking to my core

I’ll never find a man

But when he’s ready

He will come find me

Time for me to be free!

Time to breathe, live and love

To reconnect to holy Trinity

Acoustic troubadour

Get up from your hammock

And sing to me, mi Amour!

Love my naked feet

We’ll walk in love,

Walk to music, and by silence

We’ll make up stories for stars

Be warmed by body heat

Keep away from speeding cars

My chivalrous boy, love travel

Love the country and the sea

Fall in love beneath the starry sky

Take my hand – we’ll dance in the street

Giggle and laugh with me

Kick up gravel, sand with naked feet

I’ll love all this alone

until your heart finds mine

I’ll laugh and dance on my own

and wait until His time

copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie, 2009

Vagabond Princess - prose

This is the piece of prose I mentioned in my last post. Happily I can say that the Lord has been kind enough to introduce me to such a person as He promised here :)

Mind you, this isn't a perfect piece, nor do I claim it to be anything brilliant - all I claim is that this is a piece of my joy, my heart and a confession of my spirit.

(I believe I wrote this around December 28, 2008)

Vagabond Princess

What man will come,

I do not know

Though I have my hopes

I cannot know

He must love Christ

First and above all

His heart must be drawn

Feel His call

Of all he may choose

To want from me

All he truly needs

What is heartfelt, and what is free

Let him be alive,

wildly soar

Free heart and soul

Let him let go

Unimpeded

Unafraid to dance or sing

To live, to learn, explore

A vagabond, wayfarer at heart

Unfettered by his mistakes

With a full heart

Not heavy with burden or regret

Only a rage for new life

My love for him

Need not be based on the slight

Let me never love

For things, for talent, or his service

Let it be my heart

To lay down my all for him

And his heart be full

And with unbounded return

All we do together

Shall be ruled by

What God would have us do

Not by either our wills

I will be happy

Even if poor as church-mice

If we follow our call

If he is who is meant for me

I want to be barefoot when I wed

To feel the dirt

Beneath my feet

So close to what is real

Let him sing with me

Play for me

Film with me

Climb with me

Dance with me

Laugh with me

Create with me

Play for me to dance to

When not the happiest

Of times

Let him be tender with me

And I will be all for him

When that is all he needs

I will be his support

And he will be mine

All the while,

We can trust that

God is faithful

knowing He carries us both

When I am ready

In Him,

Let me be all I need

For my wayfaring prince

Without needing to change

Any one thing

About my heart

Oh this vagabond princess

She, my soul can barely hide

copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie 2009

Vagabond Princess

I want to share a piece of my heart, as well as a bit of prose I wrote over Christmas break. I was with my family late that night as we drove back from a majestic sort of day at the Biltmore Estate. I felt like something of a princess right then, enjoying the royal-feeling estate, and yet the afternoon bumming around downtown Asheville had turned my thoughts back to feeling like a gypsy, a vagabond, a wayfarer who enjoyed the road with bare feet. I had just bought a glass-blown necklace with a little yellow glass-blown mushroom in it. You've probably seen me wear it, since I'm never without it. 

It felt glorious. It had been an awe-inspiring day that left me with such conflicting feelings, and such a sense of peace. I knew who God was making me into. I knew I was His princess, and I knew I was a vagabond, enjoying every moment of the wilderness He had me wander into. I was His vagabond princess. Who should a vagabond princess have? A prince who would tame her wild heart? A vagabond who could not care for her heart, but would let her be free? Or would there be someone made to fit? I asked Daddy about it, and though it was dark, and I had no light, He told me to write. He wanted to introduce me to new thoughts; He then introduced me to someone I would not get to know for only a short while longer. He made me content with myself first, and made me realize not to love anyone else before Him. He made me love Him first - my heart was smitten. 

Today I was reminded of this. My eyes were opened last night, and I became painfully aware of the fact that God, my Lover, was trying to Romance me - and I had flat out ignored His advances. He prompted me to realize that He is after my heart, that I am His Beloved, that I am Captivating - that He wants my heart first. So although I am in a 'break' that is painful inside of me (my soul has been trying to thrash my spirit to bits over it), God is telling me I need to fall deeply, madly hopelessly, and faithfully in love with Him all over again. I've neglected my Lover. What a distressing thought! Only once I restore this deserved, necessary love to Him, only then will He restore all else to me. 

Surrender! Surrender your heart to me! (This is what He is calling to me.) Let go! Let go of the world, let go of all other lovers, let go of addictions, obsessions! Let go of worries, of failures, of feelings of worthlessness. Let go of all shortcomings, and weaknesses and realize I AM all you need. Realize that you need no one else, if only you have Me. Take Me, take Me as your Lover, and I will teach you Love. I will teach you how to love yourself, your husband, your family, friends, and all company you keep. I will teach you not to despair, I will teach you not to care about that which the world cares about. I will teach you patience... again. I will teach you joy and thanksgiving. I will teach you the discipline of peace, of rest, of stillness - all of this in your spirit. I will teach your soul (your body, mind, will and emotions) to submit to your spirit, and teach your spirit to submit to My Holy Spirit.

I'm ready, Lord. I surrender. I want it all, and I give up trying. I can't do it on my own anymore, and I don't want to - it is beyond painful. This may be normal to anyone living out of their flesh, but I know so much more, and never want to go back. Why would anyone want to be even in the highest fullness of 'joy' (in their own power) - when it is so much more overwhelming and promising, and beautiful, to be filled with Your Joy - and it is a thousandfold stronger! I want YOUR joy, Lord. Fill me with all you have to give me, and I do not expect any benefits of the world which I've been clinging to, to be restored to me. Yes, by faith I give it all up - and because in faith I know Your promises, I know you want not only to restore me, but to bless me further. So? Here I am Lord. Take it all. You have me. I am Yours.

 

“You will be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord…”

Isaiah 62:3

Sunsets

It's been awhile, but sometimes there are things so awe inspiring, you cannot help but have to write about them. Tonight I was watching the sunset, as I have been every night for some time now. It's one of the most beautiful things I've laid eyes on, and it changes constantly, from moment to moment, and is different every night. Tonight I wrote as I watched the beauty unfurl before me. This isn't prose that I sat down and purposed to write - I was writing this to someone very dear to me, just describing to him what it was I saw. 

The breeze is crisp, the clouds are rippled and drawn out, pulled like
salt-water taffy over the warmth of the setting blaze of a star. The sky
is perfect hues of fading blue. Half of the sky debates darkness with
its grey scrapes of clouds, tainted with pink edges, bleeding orange.
Wisps of white play across the gloom. In the distance, the taffy-pulled
clouds take on a deep purple, and candy oranges play on the edges,
catching light. No silver lining, only the most royal and majestic of
gold-leaf rim the thick bulk of dark taffy-cloud. The wind wafts through
the sky, giving the lavender tinted-clouds a smell of blue-bonnets and
snapdragons. The grey clouds have a sweet smell of incense,
embittered by smoky appearance. Mmm, the cotton candy pink puffs
hovering over the rims of the earth look positively playful!

Cloth-skinned cars

This fascinates me to no end. BMW has been reconsidering how cars are structured, and began to wonder whether or not the metal exterior was even necessary. As they explored different possibilities, they came out with something new they're calling GINA. They moved away from a hard, metal 'skin' to something more flexible, and can move in different ways a fixed metal car cannot move outside of its fixed structure. I have to admit, at first I was not impressed - who wants to drive a lycra-covered car? Might as well wear a skin-tight lycra or spandex suit while you're at it. But the video is pretty darn impressive. I'd love to see these on the road someday (though apparently it's being sent straight to the BMW museum in Munich. Maybe someday....)

Anyway. Go check out the link - and watch the video! It's so cool to watch ^^

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/ecogeek/644/bmw-s-cloth-skinned-car.html;_ylt=Agn0ZnBCsNv66jlNSNuUrA.IV8cX

http://www.inhabitat.com/2008/06/17/transportation-tuesday-bmw-gina-light-visionary-model-revealed/

With that said, will someone please take me to a car show?? It's been too long since I've been :/

Too much.

I feel stuck right now. In so many ways, I feel like I'm at a dead end - but I also feel like there's a really easy way out of these dead ends - I'm just too frustrated to calm down for a moment and consider the options (only to find out the answer is the simplest solution...)

I've not got an apartment when I come back to Regent in the fall (they gave incoming freshman precedence over several juniors and seniors, apparently). While that would have been alright, I never once received any emails telling me one way or another about my housing situation. When I called, I was fussed at and told that I got an email 'the other thursday' (which was not true. I've been haunting my inbox, waiting for that email, as well as calling housing almost every day). So now I'm stuck with trying to find a place to live, or (there is a place I've found that I would like) people to live with me. This has got me pretty worked up, though I know I need to just trust God with it and let Him guide me. Ya, that's still difficult. Especially when parents are nagging about it every moment they remember. It's so prominent in my mind right now that I can focus long enough on more important things, like finishing my term paper for Shakespeare. But I'm still so burned out right now. I'm glad I didn't take any more classes beyond this Shakespeare class. I would have died. The class was enough by itself. I absolutely love Shakespeare - but reading play a day when you're already burned out? Not too wonderful. 

The final is on monday. I'm not too worried about the final exam (I go in and write two long essays on a topic the prof gives us on the spot. I've always been good at this), though this problem of not being able to focus on anything for more than a few short minutes at a time is bothersome. Even more worrisome is that I can't type up more than two or three sentences of my term paper at a time. I've got most of it hand written out, in light blue ink that is almost too light to see. 

There is so much else going on that I don't even know where else to begin or what else to say. Mostly I don't want to share - I just somehow expect people to telepathically know what is going on and then know exactly what to do to remedy whatever is the matter. Of course, thusfar, I have no results. I guess I should meet someone telepathic first ;P  

On a side note, I hate being fed lies, but there two lies I find particularly distasteful. Two lies I see given to so many people, so often. I've been told these lies my entire life. "You're not enough" and "You're too much". I'm not enough, and I'm too much. How does that work? No. Neither of them is true, neither of them is very uplifting, and neither is anything anyone needs to hear. You're not good enough, pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, talented enough, tall enough, et cetera. or You're just too much. These are hurtful things. What hurts worst is when you get both as a verbal slap at the almost same time - from one person! How confusing is that??

 

On a random note, I'm really intrigued by Harleyquinn's costume. Always have been. I think I might like to sew her costume for myself some time.  ...I'll be your HarleyQ if you'll be my Joker ;)

Oh. And if you still haven't seen The Dark Knight (what gives??) Go see it!! Now! It's all too brilliant. I haven't written about it yet, because I can't keep myself from giving spoilers. And I hate spoilers with a passion.

  

Heart's cry

I'm at work, sitting in the sound booth, tears spilling from my eyes as I stare at a blank page. My fingers test the keys, but I don't know where to begin. My heart is welling up with a hurricane of emotions. The tears are splashing down out of my eyes, not from hurts that are my own, but for others. My heart is breaking over and over, not for my own selfish motives, but in suffering for others. As I see others who need life restored to them, I pray that they will receive not only what they need, but will receive everything in great abundance. Some of what I am seeing is so terrible, and yet they are resolved to work things out alone. My heart aches at this. Though we always have God, there are things we cannot do alone. Some things we cannot handle as one person, we need to let that person God has sent to help us through. Other times it is right not to involve other people - but this is a time I see we need to peruse the revival God has sent! Let God burn that horrid burden, sin and smut out of you with the Holy fire he is sending all over the world right now! Some do not seem to react well to this at all. They just have to do things alone, in silence and sometimes under a lie. So, as I see friends suffering under a burden I cannot understand, I cry desperately to God- heal them! show them your heart, show them your grace! Then I wonder, why won't he meet them where they are? Why won't He just douse them in the burning glory of Holy Ghost fire? Let your glory come down Lord, please. 

   

Why am I so affected by the spiritual state of others? Things I could not understand a month ago -even a week ago!- I now see, understand with perfect clarity and suffer in my spirit. I want to take the burdens for others. I want to let them let go, and carry the beast of burden for them. But what Christ did is far greater than any small gesture of my taking on someone else's burden. Why does it seem some of us are so much more prone to heavy storms and prolonged suffering? I, and quite a few I am close to seem to suffer more heartily than others, it seems. Yes, I said seems. Others constantly chirp how wonderful things are, but when disaster strikes, everything is a mess and God has forever abandoned them. But those of us I mentioned, we endure storm after raging storm, we endure - and in all of it we still yearn for Him. We cry out to Him to give us some small light, even if it is no brighter than a candle, and we still praise Him, even if we do not see that flickering candle, that glimmer of hope. 

  

So why is my heart burdened so for my loves? Why do I let my heart suffer for them if I know they will get through? Why do I beg God for mercy and to bring them burning, cleansing fire? Am I of so little faith that they will get through? Or is it a good sign that my heart is burdened so much so for them that I would stay up and pray? I feel a need to stay up the night and truly pray for them, but often find myself just steeping in the sad songs I sing for them. I hope I do not steep so long, that as tea, with a tea bag forgotten, I become bitter.    

  

I dreamed in horrible fits of nightmares last night. Demented nightmares disturbed my sleep. My waking moments, and half-woken moments were spent trembling, seeking to find out what they meant. Why would I have such disturb'ed sleep? The nightmares did not go away even in waking. They were vivid and clear. I do not remember everything of my dreams in perfect detail, and some is far too disturbing for me to want to share.  

 

In the dream, everything was perfectly realistic, as far as natural things were. No utter fantasy, no aliens swooping out of skies, no flying horses, no gnomes or tiny dancing demons. It was real life, but so subtly twisted that it made me fear what one small misstep might do to skew my walk on the straight and narrow. I'll skip the most graphic of the nightmare. In it, I was still myself, and still female, but I married a lesbian. In the marriage, no matter what happened, no matter how much I tried, I was never satisfied. My flesh would sometimes be satisfied, but mostly, nothing was ever enough. I could feel my spirit dying. I could feel my flesh take over. My life took a turn for the worst, and I woke up crying. Why was my flesh so adamant in this dream? Why a lesbian lover? Then God showed me through my disgust exactly what He meant me to see. If I lived for the flesh, I would never be satisfied. If I did not live in my purpose for Him, I would never fulfill my purpose, and in not living for Him, I would know my life was a failure. If I broke out of living a life for him, I would be miserable and a life of sin would leave me broken. This was a harsh realization. Both for my life now, and a window into what I could become if I stray from Him when my life becomes immersed in the film industry.

  

I'm trembling in fear and heart-brokenness, as I wonder what to do with myself. My heart is crying desperately for Him, as yesterdays rainstorm showed. I want nothing more than Him. My summer has been a horrible mess so far, and I've done well to document what good has come as a reminder to myself. I've avoided documenting the bad, since I so oft feel so overwhelmed by it. I want to remember the good, and remember how wonderful it was, and not let the bad overshadow or undermine it. But sometimes there is something so wonderfully terrible, you have to say something. This is that kind of wonderful terror I have. All summer I have been begging for more of Him. More, God, more! I've been driving over and hour and a half most sundays just to go to Rick Joyner's church. Just so I can get in on what God is doing. I want to see Todd Bentley before the summer is out. I want God to show up, douse me in holy fire and burn everything ugly out of me.  

God has already done incredible miracles in me this summer, He has fixed me and healed me and is readying me. He is healing wounds of my past, He has taken my broken heart and made it new, He has taken my shredded knees, ankles and elbows and renewed them and taken away all the pain. He is so good - but I want more! Ever more. I want more because I'm not nearly enough. Right now I don't even glow. I want to be pure, purified and have him work in me and through me. I want to talk with Him without ever having to struggle to hear His voice. I want Him to make me shine with His glory. I'm so dull right now. I want all of Him. I want to glow because He burns so bright in me. I want my shadow to heal people as I walk past them. I want to hear God every time he speaks to me, not only sometimes. 

 

"I know your love does not run dry. So i wait for you."