Heart's cry

I'm at work, sitting in the sound booth, tears spilling from my eyes as I stare at a blank page. My fingers test the keys, but I don't know where to begin. My heart is welling up with a hurricane of emotions. The tears are splashing down out of my eyes, not from hurts that are my own, but for others. My heart is breaking over and over, not for my own selfish motives, but in suffering for others. As I see others who need life restored to them, I pray that they will receive not only what they need, but will receive everything in great abundance. Some of what I am seeing is so terrible, and yet they are resolved to work things out alone. My heart aches at this. Though we always have God, there are things we cannot do alone. Some things we cannot handle as one person, we need to let that person God has sent to help us through. Other times it is right not to involve other people - but this is a time I see we need to peruse the revival God has sent! Let God burn that horrid burden, sin and smut out of you with the Holy fire he is sending all over the world right now! Some do not seem to react well to this at all. They just have to do things alone, in silence and sometimes under a lie. So, as I see friends suffering under a burden I cannot understand, I cry desperately to God- heal them! show them your heart, show them your grace! Then I wonder, why won't he meet them where they are? Why won't He just douse them in the burning glory of Holy Ghost fire? Let your glory come down Lord, please. 

   

Why am I so affected by the spiritual state of others? Things I could not understand a month ago -even a week ago!- I now see, understand with perfect clarity and suffer in my spirit. I want to take the burdens for others. I want to let them let go, and carry the beast of burden for them. But what Christ did is far greater than any small gesture of my taking on someone else's burden. Why does it seem some of us are so much more prone to heavy storms and prolonged suffering? I, and quite a few I am close to seem to suffer more heartily than others, it seems. Yes, I said seems. Others constantly chirp how wonderful things are, but when disaster strikes, everything is a mess and God has forever abandoned them. But those of us I mentioned, we endure storm after raging storm, we endure - and in all of it we still yearn for Him. We cry out to Him to give us some small light, even if it is no brighter than a candle, and we still praise Him, even if we do not see that flickering candle, that glimmer of hope. 

  

So why is my heart burdened so for my loves? Why do I let my heart suffer for them if I know they will get through? Why do I beg God for mercy and to bring them burning, cleansing fire? Am I of so little faith that they will get through? Or is it a good sign that my heart is burdened so much so for them that I would stay up and pray? I feel a need to stay up the night and truly pray for them, but often find myself just steeping in the sad songs I sing for them. I hope I do not steep so long, that as tea, with a tea bag forgotten, I become bitter.    

  

I dreamed in horrible fits of nightmares last night. Demented nightmares disturbed my sleep. My waking moments, and half-woken moments were spent trembling, seeking to find out what they meant. Why would I have such disturb'ed sleep? The nightmares did not go away even in waking. They were vivid and clear. I do not remember everything of my dreams in perfect detail, and some is far too disturbing for me to want to share.  

 

In the dream, everything was perfectly realistic, as far as natural things were. No utter fantasy, no aliens swooping out of skies, no flying horses, no gnomes or tiny dancing demons. It was real life, but so subtly twisted that it made me fear what one small misstep might do to skew my walk on the straight and narrow. I'll skip the most graphic of the nightmare. In it, I was still myself, and still female, but I married a lesbian. In the marriage, no matter what happened, no matter how much I tried, I was never satisfied. My flesh would sometimes be satisfied, but mostly, nothing was ever enough. I could feel my spirit dying. I could feel my flesh take over. My life took a turn for the worst, and I woke up crying. Why was my flesh so adamant in this dream? Why a lesbian lover? Then God showed me through my disgust exactly what He meant me to see. If I lived for the flesh, I would never be satisfied. If I did not live in my purpose for Him, I would never fulfill my purpose, and in not living for Him, I would know my life was a failure. If I broke out of living a life for him, I would be miserable and a life of sin would leave me broken. This was a harsh realization. Both for my life now, and a window into what I could become if I stray from Him when my life becomes immersed in the film industry.

  

I'm trembling in fear and heart-brokenness, as I wonder what to do with myself. My heart is crying desperately for Him, as yesterdays rainstorm showed. I want nothing more than Him. My summer has been a horrible mess so far, and I've done well to document what good has come as a reminder to myself. I've avoided documenting the bad, since I so oft feel so overwhelmed by it. I want to remember the good, and remember how wonderful it was, and not let the bad overshadow or undermine it. But sometimes there is something so wonderfully terrible, you have to say something. This is that kind of wonderful terror I have. All summer I have been begging for more of Him. More, God, more! I've been driving over and hour and a half most sundays just to go to Rick Joyner's church. Just so I can get in on what God is doing. I want to see Todd Bentley before the summer is out. I want God to show up, douse me in holy fire and burn everything ugly out of me.  

God has already done incredible miracles in me this summer, He has fixed me and healed me and is readying me. He is healing wounds of my past, He has taken my broken heart and made it new, He has taken my shredded knees, ankles and elbows and renewed them and taken away all the pain. He is so good - but I want more! Ever more. I want more because I'm not nearly enough. Right now I don't even glow. I want to be pure, purified and have him work in me and through me. I want to talk with Him without ever having to struggle to hear His voice. I want Him to make me shine with His glory. I'm so dull right now. I want all of Him. I want to glow because He burns so bright in me. I want my shadow to heal people as I walk past them. I want to hear God every time he speaks to me, not only sometimes. 

 

"I know your love does not run dry. So i wait for you."