beloved.

I've spent my lifetime playing around in costume and dressing up for the stage and aching for that part of the princess waiting for her prince, of the lady who is treated well by men, of Juliet in love with Romeo. Over the past three years, I've realized, I didn't just want that on stage - I wanted it in my life, and it was reflected in what I became on stage or on screen. I've been searching for that, longing to be treated like a princess and far too often in these past few years, I've been treated like anything but a princess, like anything but deserving of respect and love and chivalry.

When someone told me that I deserved to be treated like a princess today, and when FCA came this week and the coaches insisted that all the football players treat me like a lady and open doors for me, carry things for me and always offer to help me -- I nearly broke down and cried. I'm in tears now as I think about this. God is the one who put that burning desire in my heart - to be romanced, to be loved, to be respected. I find myself teetering back and forth, searching God's heart for that romance, that love, that invigorating feeling, but often find myself falling back again. I can't seem to get it. There isn't a church around here that I can connect with, no people with similar beliefs to mine. I've been going to books and reading about what God has for me and I've been watching God.tv and have been watching for that love, hungry for it in my very soul. But I see people on God.tv, so full with His desire, so full of His love and falling over, drunk with Him - I feel an emptiness in my heart, I want that so bad.

Too many times, I've fallen back from God because of this same place I've been in, and am again now, and I've looked for love, wanted someone to want me like I knew I needed to be loved and wanted. I keep getting hurt because I can't focus on God long enough to fulfill that desire he has set aflame in my heart. I burn and ache for it. How can I expect any human to fulfill what He has promised me? But why. though I'm so desperately seeking right now, can't I seem to find and hold on to God?

I have so many questions, and to so many of them, I have the answers - but haven't been able to put them to use. I just have answers sitting here for me, waiting for me to act on them, and yet I can't seem to find a way to do just that.

My middle name is Aimée. My parents named me after a play they translated from French to German, and to English as well. My name means Beloved. They said I was named that because I am His Beloved. (yes, belov'ed, not belov'd). I've felt for so long like I should be able to live up to my name, to live out its meaning - to feel its meaning. I want to be Beloved. I want to be that princess - Princess Beloved. I want Jesus to be my prince, to steal my heart. I want it so bad, and I've been wanting it so desperately that my heart has been aching as I've cried out time and again. My entire summer has just been me crying out - and yet, between, I turn away and think "I'll come back. I need to be loved, just for a moment, I need to be celebrated - even if I'm not Your beloved, just for a moment."

That's not working. I've gotten the attention, the cat calls - and they annoy the heck out of me. I always notice that above any attention, (especially this sort of attention) I want respect. I suppose I should respect myself more in the first place, which I can only do if I am fully satisified by Him, and truly, purely love Him and am devoted wholly to Him. I know God wants to do so much in my life right now - I can feel Him tugging at my heartstrings, beginning to play that love song in my soul. It's so strong right now, stronger than it's ever been before, so I know there's something important happening in my life right now. I need help to keep from getting distracted. I need Him to guide me, to take over and drive.

The song that I've clung to all summer is Jason Upton's "Come up here" - and I could not figure out quite why it resonated so deeply with me, but now it makes sense. Here are the lyrics:

"I was dreaming of the holy city
I was wearing my wings
Then I looked up and saw a doorway to heaven
And I heard you calling me
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved,

I wanna flylike an eagle in the sky
I wanna fly through that doorway in the sky"



God, I'm ready. Let me become what you named me. Let me be your Beloved. Lord - I am your Beloved, and You are mine.

Summer Swaggers & free, fab parapheralia

Today was an all around exciting day :D Though, from the start, you never would have thought so. My morning began with me oversleeping my alarm for work. Yes, early moring wok on a saturday morning. I had somehow managed to forget to turn on the sound on my phone. It was still on vibrate, so any attention the alarm asked for went unnoticed. Work beckoned me at 8 in the morning but Oops! I got there half an hour late :P

FCA (the Fellowship of Christian Athletes) football players have been stinking up the theater, I mean, having their chapel there this week. Running lights and sound in a B.O. filled theater? yum. Got that sweaty man smell wafting up into the sound/ light booth. yecch! ha
But FCA coaches took a liking to me - that was fun:) But they weren't the only ones... As I took my lunch break later, I walked across the campus and to the coffee shop. Oh, the glorious, cozy, dimlit, coffee-stained-couch, sofa-filled coffee shop with strange paintings flecking the walls - I've missed it so! On my way there, I got so many catcalls it was ridiculous!! Perhaps its because I have a sort of summer swagger? ha, so I've been told. "Hey girl!", whistles and hollers trailed after me, no matter where I walked today. I wish I hadn't been the only girl in a 2 mile radius. Back to work for the post-lunch chapel. The FCA staff and coaches decided that since they liked me, and I had been so helpful, they'd shower me with about $50 worth of free stuff! It thrilled me :D

After work, I dove into the pool. It was so muggy, so the crisp water felt so good, cool against my already simmering skin. The neighbors were there with their little kids. The tots were be-bopping around the pool with their awkward little mid-growth-spurt bodies while their parents laid out, soaking up rays of sweet cancer, er, sun. I ended up babysitting the 5 kids there for awhile (free trial much for the new neighbors?), and had a blast with them. The boys love thrown around the pool - haha! The little one who I've been babysitting for the last several years bragged to the other kids (and their parents) about how great I was, how much fun, and how he loved me (.... and thinks I'm his girlfriend, lol!). Then when he had to say goodbye, he waved ad was "bye!!! You're the most beautifulest girl in the whole world I ever seen!!!" Ha! Highest of compliments from anyone, right? The other kids' parents were wowwed. hah. So now I've been asked to babysit more throughout the summer ($10 an hour, here I come!) I love kids, but I'm always glad to give them up at the end of the day ;)

Then, movie time. Saw Kung Fu Panda with dad. Cute movie, Jack Black is always fun. And? Shopping time! I got slide film on sale for 75 cents a pop, which is exciting. Now I can go round the dilapidated uptown with my mom's old Canon AE-1 I dug up and take pictures!
Seriously excitig though? ^_^_^_^_^ - I got the sewing machine I've been wanting! And it was on sale too! (My dad couldn't help but laugh when I told him I wanted a sewing machine, "Yep. I know Michele - you've been talking about it for more than a year and a half now." lol). It's a compact little thing, and came with a hand held sewing machine for free. I have a purse, a hot pink salsa dress, a broomstick skirt, some shirts and a few other things that have been waiting to be sewn together for awhile.... Time to sew! (Here comes the cheese - I'm sew in love!)
That was my exciting day, full of free and good priced stuff. ahh yes. I think I'll be spending the next few days figuring out my new machine and playing around with it :)

Oh, and my Mac is back at Apple, being doctored up. I hope I don't have to pay too much for that. I miss my maccy so bad right now (and I hate PCs). Being without it is like missing an arm. Yes - that is a feeling I'm familiar with ;P lol

On a final(ish) note, I miss you guys like crazy. I think this is the first really good day I've had, which is nice. But oh! Virginia Beach! How it calls to me! I miss you guys more than I ever imagined anyone could be missed :'( This is a lonely little town, and I'm missin you to death - and what's even more sad is trying to come to the realization that some of you won't be back when school starts back up. It's really hard for me to grasp somehow. I hope I get to see you guys (Matt and Sanna!) before you leave out for good! I really hope we'll all get our chances to meet up this summer and just chill together for a few last glorious times :) Len, Nathan, Matt, Sanna, Al, Bekah, Dela -all you guys - I miss you sooo much, and I love you beyond anything!

Mario Kart?

Driving to work this morning, I was speeding- 'racing'. Out here, there are so many wonderful curves and ridiculous turns - they're so amazing fast. Anyway. About halfway to work, I notice something in the road. A perfectly splayed out, perfectly yellow banana peel that would rival those of Mario Kart plopped perfectly in the center of the road. For a moment, I thought to swerve out and miss it, cos I might spin out and have little stars spinning round my head. Then I wanted to hit the button on the steering wheel and leave another banana peel next to it.... and then I remembered. It's not Mario Kart - there's no banana peels trailing after me. I'm not Princess Peach, with buttons on my Wii wheel that'll blast in-the-way drivers into ditches. It's not a video game - my car isn't that exciting :/

Roly Polies in the bathroom

Things have been interesting. That's the least I can say. Speed limits on the highway are around 45, depending on where you are (small town vs. tiny one-stop-light town), people just stop in the middle of the road and then turn left or right (no blinkers, no indication of turning. they just stop), long stretches of road (it takes 20 minutes in any direction to get anywhere), eh - it goes on. This morning as I drove to work, everything was crawling with coppers. I had to work so hard to go the actual speed limit... I was sure I was going to get pulled over. 

My work schedule is looking crazy now. I usually rise in tandem with the sun (eh, somewhere around 6, or when I can will my eyes to stare straight into the face of a new day), and get ready for work at the climbing course.  That's alright by now, I suppose. Then here comes the lighting job. I seem to be getting assigned many late night gigs over the next few weeks. My summer will be pre-planned exhaustion. And it looks like I'll be doing alot more driving back and forth than I had planned, and I'll probably not get back in til around midnight most nights. Oh dear. Naps, here I come. I'm already exhausted. 

So as I was taking a break between jobs today (15 minutes to cram down a lunch I'm usually not terribly hungry. Usually after I've worked out for a good while), I was standing in the bathroom, leaning against the wall, tired, and staring at my feet when I noticed something roll past my heel. There were dozens of tiny roly polies playing around on, rolling giddily across the pink, grainy bathroom floor, down the slope to the drain, then crawling back up and sliding on their mini-armadillo armored backs. A grin played across my tired, unsmiling face - I wanna play like that, too! But, since I couldn't, I enjoyed watching every second of roly-poly fun :)

A film major's dad has told her that she cannot watch movies this summer. The poor film student was upset by this- probably almost devastated, were it not for the fact that she can usually find her way around anything. That film student would be me. But it turned out that dad's only reason for this was because I'd end up spending too much money on movies over the summer, and not earn enough. Oh. Okay. No problem. So I cued up netflix. Yayy. I'm good to go. But then it turns out that he thinks I've become hardened, callous, defiled because of it. Can I not feel God anymore? Have I no connection to Him anymore? I would beg to differ. I'm in hot pursuit of God right now, seeking His heart, and running after Him. Yes, I love my movies, and maybe my parents will just have to think what they may - but I want to pursue my craft and offer my art, my films - that which God has gifted me to do - back up to Him. Now isn't that a fantastic idea? I'm not saying I want to make 'Christian movies' - oh no, far from it! No mediocrity here. But I don't think that films have to be blatantly beat-you-round-the-skull-with-a-Bible Christian to be Godly, to have our hearts poured into the stories. Films are something we create as an offering to our King, our Father, our Lord - the Creator.

Have you ever noticed that Spagetti-O's are particularly fun to look at and play with? I don't know if I'm the only one, but as I'm eating them, I usually find an insatiable desire and urge to say what I see. With Original Spagetti-O's, your food spells out an uninterrupted ooOooOOooOooOOooOOoOoOOoOOo which I always find particularly entertaining. 

Into the Wild

On a recommendation from Nathan, I watched Into The Wild the other night. (I'll just warn you now, I may end up giving some spoilers in this post....)

Into The Wild was a beautiful film about Christopher McCandless (Emile Hirsch), who, after graduating from Emory decides to abandon his former life, cut all ties, change his name and trek cross country and to Alaska. He hitchhikes and leatherhoofs across the country and meets crazy and exciting people - and alot of hippies. 

The shots of all the incredible landscape were nothing less than breathtaking. The story was taken from a true story (which I realize til the end of the film), and though wonderful and beautiful, it was heart-wrendingly sad but so masterfully told. The ideas that the film shared were so inspiring, I wanted to pack up what little I needed and trek off somewhere in the middle of nowhere and just enjoy untainted beauty. The film will challenge your perceptions, make you realize new things. It'll let you have a glimpse at new concepts we in a more urban life might have casually ignored or never realized. The down side? It was very long, and after awhile, had me checking the time a few too many times. When it was all said and done, the tragic story and the beautiful melancholy of the film left me depressed for two days after.... This is not one to watch alone.

Now for something completely different...

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but geese come off as a disgruntled species.

For instance, dogs are full of personality - they bark, yip, cry, whine, smile and pant. Many dogs seem to have a generally cheerful disposition.

Geese, on the other hand, once they shed their childish, cute, fluff-feathers, also shed any seemingly harmless and adolescent demeanor. At this point, they do nothing more than eye you suspiciously, raise their ugly wings unimpressively and give an ugly honking yell that reminds you of a bad driver with road rage who is stuck in traffic. Adult geese just come across as neurotic. Other than their anger, they don't exude any personality. When they honk (whoank!), you wonder if they have anything in their language besides anger, disdain or annoyance. They don't seem to have a real language (like other animals seem to), and they come across as disgruntled businessmen who can never make a deal. That's only a little of what goes on in my head, and the kind of thing i wonder about.

On another note, I don't like being used, mistreated or looked down on like I'm something lesser, or useless. I seem to be getting that from all sides right now...

Lights. Silence.

It's been a few days, but I've been meaning to write. 

I got another job - finally. I got a job doing stage and theatrical lighting at the theater here. (It's the univ at which I used to study theater, so that was grand.) Today was my first day at work, and I had to jump in head first. it was really all too much. But it was great. First thing, I had to run up to the catwalks and run spotlight for the debutante rehearsal that was going on (tomorrow night I get to do that all over again), which was pretty chill. I mean, all I did was sit in a broken down, but comfy chair, and run spot at 75 feet up. (I love heights. Good thing, too- at both jobs, I'm usually at least 50 feet up off the ground.) Then after that, I spent all day running around, hooking up cables, cords, lugging lights and stuff around and setting up lights everywhere. It got hot. Really fast. I worked from 8 this morning til noon at the climbing course, and then til sometime after 6 in the evening in the theater. It felt good, but I'm worn out now. 

I decided to mozey into our pool when I got home, and just floated there like a lazy bum for awhile. It felt amazing, and the water was at a perfect temperature. Things were quiet, and it was so nice. When I got out, I read by the pool  for about an hour - The Oath.

Something I've noticed about my summer is that it's been quiet. Even today, though it sounds like a crazy day, I hardly spoke at all. Since I've been home, I've not said much. Not more than I have to. Typing? no problem - I love to let my fingers glide across the keys and pour forth their stories. Speaking? I've been quiet. For those of you who don't know, I'm a cross between an introvert and an extrovert. Usually I get my time to myself, I'm quiet in the mornings. I open up in the afternoons.  Summer away has robbed me of social tendencies. When I first left, I made phone calls with my close friends, and that was the extent of my talking (other than forced conversation with family. ech.)

Summer came, and it brought silence. Since mom and sis left to Germany, I've not spoken at all. I'm sorry I've not even made phone calls. I have no desire to speak. And other than what work demands, I don't have to speak. I have to say "Belay on", "climb on" and do a safety check. I'd get fired - unless I dropped a climber first. lol. But for lighting? I didn't have to say anything but 'firing'. Beautiful.

Peretti reads.

So here are the Peretti books I've got laid out for myself this summer. They're not in any particular order, not now, not yet. I am, however, reading The Oath right now.

The Oath, 

This Present Darkness, 

Piercing the Darkness, 

House, 

Prophet, 

Monster, 

That's it for now :)

Butterfly Caught

Deep seeded paranoia,
heavy in my heart it roots
Endless thoughts
breaking in the soil of my brain,
Perilous beauty in words
fermenting in my soul,
Burden filled tears
wilt from my lashes,
Oh salt laden, heart-wrending rain

Like a butterfly caught,
my heart so heavy in my chest
skips like the stone on the sea,
flutters like the moth who can't break free,
with no wind beneath its wings
never will i fly on earth's soft breeze

Sunny holes of light
break through my lashes,
Honey kisses,
like honeysuckle
so sweet
drip from your lips,
not meant to tranquilize
but my heart, does paralyze

copyright 2008 Michele Aimee Lahaie

Captivated

I'm reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Just earlier I came across a revelation that shook me, it was absolutely incredible to me.

While reading George MacDonald several years ago, I came across an astounding thought. You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else, to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet was saying was that here is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill. "It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual." You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill.

He longs for you.

You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes (Song 4:9b NKJV). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let that be true of you.

To me, this is absolutely incredible, something I honestly can hardly fathom. I really do wonder, why is it that I make any difference? Why does my existence matter in the least to Him? Is there really any reason I would be important? And yet somehow, I have such a longing for him that when I read this, my heart pounded in my chest! Yeah, yeah - "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...."  But somehow this brings so much more meaning forth, more meaning than that little song could reveal. God wants to romance me. He loves me. It's not something he has to do. John Eldredge even says that it sounds like "because he has to" or meaning "he tolerates you." No. he loves me like a Lover loves. My heart has been so desperate, and I'm just beginning to grasp all this - but my heart is really clawing at this, wanting to take it all in.

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride

Songs 4:9 NKJV

Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her

Hosea 2:14 NKJV

I have loved you with an everlasting love

Jeremiah 31:3 

With all the hurt I've been going through, the hole in my heart that has grown wider over the past year, the want for love - this is exactly what I've been searching for, and he continues to answer me (and my questioning, confused, broken heart) further.

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

She will chase after lovers but not catch them;

she will look for them but not find them.

Hosea 2:6-7

This verse has been the story of my life, as of late. I recently (finally) had one of those moments where I just realized that I don't need a guy to feel love, I don't need a man to be romanced. I don't need to wait for a man, and in this moment, I don't want one. Now all I want is for God to take all I am, to romance me, to heal me, make me whole, breathe new life into me and transform me into a new woman. I want to stand by him alone. All this time, this was all I needed to know. And here it is, and he's showing me all I needed to know. He has been answering me in ways I never thought possible - this is the beginning of a wonderful season in my life. It's incredible. That's all I can say, is incredible.

Hot, Spicy or Fire?

Today was so incredibly hot. It was around 98 degrees most of the day. We had a group come in early this morning (around 9), so I had to be there a few hours before. I got to meet the only other female co-worker today, Stephanie - she's amazing! It's awesome how fast we hit it off, and how well we work together. Not like last summer, where the other girls were afraid to get dirty, scared of bugs, and freaked by heights. Oh well. This summer's group looks promising, and they're all a load of fun :)

The group that came in today is from some horse riding place a good ways away from here (ya, I would love to work there, but have no desire to drive the, I think hour, to get there.) The riding place and us (the rock climbing place) are on some exchange this summer - we let them climb, and we get to ride. I think we get to ride next week - I'm super stoked.

Anyway. Despite is being an early morning today, it was still killer hot, and we were out there for a good while. I had to tower monitor, which meant I didn't get to belay  ... in the shade :P  I ended up with some mild heat exhaustion that gave me a massive headache. And as the day went on (yes, inside, and after a cold bath, and some meds), I didn't get better. It's actually a bit worse. I'm pretty nauseous right now too :/  But at least I have the weekend off this time around, so I don't have to worry about going to work sick, or not going in at all. lol. I think Ima get some more reading done. I'm almost through with captivating - I have so many things I've scribbled down while reading it! I'll post quotes and passages and such soon :)

Til next time!

First post and happy birthday!

Hi! I'm Michele, and this is my blog :)

I'm a Cinema-Television major at Regent, and I am absolutely in love with film!  I was born in Germany, and raised there and in Texas, and lived in North Carolina for awhile. I just finished my first year at Regent, and am somewhere around jr/ sr status now (I transfered to Regent from another school).

Summer has just started, and I've left Virginia Beach for the summer- which, although incredibly sad, I really have so much to look forward to when August comes around. I'm working at a rock climbing course for the summer (the Broyhill - we have a climbing wall and Alpine Tower and lots of other challenges around the course. It's pretty exciting. I love working here! I worked here last summer, too), but I'm still looking for more work, since this isn't full time. Maybe a video store or the cinema, so I can keep up with my movies? That would be awesome. But really, there's not much here. I'm in the middle of nowhere....

I'm pretty excited about my summer now that I'm here. Today is my birthday, and first thing my boss and co-workers did was celebrate! We went shopping for activities for the course (we have an Indiana Jones theme this year), and then they took me out for smoothies and ice cream, then we came back to my place and swam and played volleyball in the pool :) it was great.

I have a reading/ viewing list for the summer that keeps adding up! I'm reading as much C.S. Lewis as I can get in. Right now I'm starting with:

Mere Christianity

The Abolition of Man

The Great Divorce

The Screwtape Letters

The Problem of Pain

Miracles

yes. In that order :)

Right now I'm also reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and I absolutely love it! And I have For Women Only, by Feldham (for all you guys, there's a counterpart for you to read! Called what else, but For Men Only!)

Then add in some Frank Peretti books: 

This Present Darkness

Piercing the Darkness

Monster 

The Oath

and Shakespeare (I'm actually taking a class on ol' Billy S. It's gonna be amazing. The book I had to buy for class, William Shakespeare: Complete Works is from the Royal Shakespeare Company, and oh my gosh, it's massive! It's about 2500 pages thick).

My sister has also piled up stacks of books she wants me to read. And I got more books for my birthday. And I have a gift-card for Borders Books. My room already looks like half a bookstore. ha.

Also, I'm wanting to get in some great, classic movie time. I need to watch (and re-watch) all the Hitchcock movies. That should kickstart my movies. Oh, and I'm killer excited about the new Batman movie - Dark Knight - coming out this summer!!

I have so much to do, watch, write and to read this summer, and I'm starting to wonder if I have time?? My most important priority, certainly, is to get as close to God as I can. I've felt pretty distant lately, and I can feel the hole, the void, beginning to really ache in me. It's past time to get right again. This is my biggest reason for reading C.S. Lewis this summer :) So! Time to regain spiritual strength (and not to mention regaining physical strength. Working at the rock climbing course and the gym is a definite way to get buff again!)

But it's gettin late (well, its shortly after 10, and by the time I get to bed, it will be late. ha), and I have to be up at 6 in the a.m. :/

laters!

~ Me-shel