beloved.

I've spent my lifetime playing around in costume and dressing up for the stage and aching for that part of the princess waiting for her prince, of the lady who is treated well by men, of Juliet in love with Romeo. Over the past three years, I've realized, I didn't just want that on stage - I wanted it in my life, and it was reflected in what I became on stage or on screen. I've been searching for that, longing to be treated like a princess and far too often in these past few years, I've been treated like anything but a princess, like anything but deserving of respect and love and chivalry.

When someone told me that I deserved to be treated like a princess today, and when FCA came this week and the coaches insisted that all the football players treat me like a lady and open doors for me, carry things for me and always offer to help me -- I nearly broke down and cried. I'm in tears now as I think about this. God is the one who put that burning desire in my heart - to be romanced, to be loved, to be respected. I find myself teetering back and forth, searching God's heart for that romance, that love, that invigorating feeling, but often find myself falling back again. I can't seem to get it. There isn't a church around here that I can connect with, no people with similar beliefs to mine. I've been going to books and reading about what God has for me and I've been watching God.tv and have been watching for that love, hungry for it in my very soul. But I see people on God.tv, so full with His desire, so full of His love and falling over, drunk with Him - I feel an emptiness in my heart, I want that so bad.

Too many times, I've fallen back from God because of this same place I've been in, and am again now, and I've looked for love, wanted someone to want me like I knew I needed to be loved and wanted. I keep getting hurt because I can't focus on God long enough to fulfill that desire he has set aflame in my heart. I burn and ache for it. How can I expect any human to fulfill what He has promised me? But why. though I'm so desperately seeking right now, can't I seem to find and hold on to God?

I have so many questions, and to so many of them, I have the answers - but haven't been able to put them to use. I just have answers sitting here for me, waiting for me to act on them, and yet I can't seem to find a way to do just that.

My middle name is Aimée. My parents named me after a play they translated from French to German, and to English as well. My name means Beloved. They said I was named that because I am His Beloved. (yes, belov'ed, not belov'd). I've felt for so long like I should be able to live up to my name, to live out its meaning - to feel its meaning. I want to be Beloved. I want to be that princess - Princess Beloved. I want Jesus to be my prince, to steal my heart. I want it so bad, and I've been wanting it so desperately that my heart has been aching as I've cried out time and again. My entire summer has just been me crying out - and yet, between, I turn away and think "I'll come back. I need to be loved, just for a moment, I need to be celebrated - even if I'm not Your beloved, just for a moment."

That's not working. I've gotten the attention, the cat calls - and they annoy the heck out of me. I always notice that above any attention, (especially this sort of attention) I want respect. I suppose I should respect myself more in the first place, which I can only do if I am fully satisified by Him, and truly, purely love Him and am devoted wholly to Him. I know God wants to do so much in my life right now - I can feel Him tugging at my heartstrings, beginning to play that love song in my soul. It's so strong right now, stronger than it's ever been before, so I know there's something important happening in my life right now. I need help to keep from getting distracted. I need Him to guide me, to take over and drive.

The song that I've clung to all summer is Jason Upton's "Come up here" - and I could not figure out quite why it resonated so deeply with me, but now it makes sense. Here are the lyrics:

"I was dreaming of the holy city
I was wearing my wings
Then I looked up and saw a doorway to heaven
And I heard you calling me
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved,

I wanna flylike an eagle in the sky
I wanna fly through that doorway in the sky"



God, I'm ready. Let me become what you named me. Let me be your Beloved. Lord - I am your Beloved, and You are mine.