More adventures

Hi all,

Just to give you guys a heads up - I decided to expand my blog. I may still write on here, but I have a new blog called a Life of Midnight Adventures. It's more colorful and hopefully will be more suited to me than this (very standard looking) blog. Enjoy! You can find it at:

http://midnightadventure.blogspot.com/

-Beloved

Secrets...

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

-Khalil Gibran

Heartache

Oh how my heart doth ache!
I am impassioned with all
that overwhelms my soul!

My soul acheth with burden
My heart weeps
with the loss I must endure

My spirit seems not sure
and does not know what to do
All it can do is cry out

My mind is overwhelmed
with turmoil and pressing thoughts
How I urge rest to come!

How can I ignore the Arrows?
Oh they pierce my heart
They tear through my soul

But how can I neglect the Romance?
My Lover calls in the midst of my pain
My spirit seeks to tend to Him who calls

I ache beneath the weight I carry
My back begins to break
I wonder how I came to carry it all

Though He urges me to give it all up
Not to carry it, but give it to Him
I find I am afraid and don't know how

Though He whispers in my ear
and kisses my heart and my lips
I deny Him, afraid and half ashamed

He calls me in all I do
yet I feel consumed by what is here
Another love has left me broken and alone

My love! Return to me!
Or give me promise of return!
My heart knows not how to cope...

But my Lover tells me peace
My Lover says He comes above all
This Lover says He is my first

My heart aches for what I can touch
for one I can see
Though I must learn He is enough for me

How can one cope?
How dare I toil?
It will only make my heart bitter

I wish I could hope
and I find I hope too much
Do I waste my time? Do I burden myself?

All these answers I wish I knew
And my first Lover I still wish to know
Oh lover, I miss you, still my heart is true...


copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie 2009

Selah

Lord,
Be constant for me, for I waver and am weak like a reed that strains against high winds and waters. I am like a beautiful flower that cannot survive under the beating hail without your hand to cover me. I am like a leaf, drifting without direction, caught up in the winds of this world, waiting for Your gentle breeze to guide me. I am like the clouds, heavy laden with rain and needing a release. I am a fawn in the fields, I cannot survive without a motherly doe's care, or a fatherly stag's protection.


Lord, so as this, I submit myself to you, for I know you will lead me to still waters to drink; you will give me shade to rest, food to eat, and a safe place to lay my head at night. I have no fear, for I know you will keep me from the hunter.
Selah

written by Michele Aimee Lahaie, 2009

my heart...

Have you ever taken time just to notice your heart? There are times when your heart just wants you to be still, and to listen to it; listen to it's hurts, desires, longings and what it misses. What does it want more than anything? 10:00, tonight. I was standing on my balcony, enjoying the evening, watching cars pull in and out onto the street. My heart throbbed slightly. It asked me, 'are you listening?' Yes, dear heart, yes I am. 'are you feeling?' Again, yes. It began to pour out, steadily flowing with thoughts and emotions that had gone unnoticed...

Under control and absolutely Ravishing!

It's so crazy. How quickly God can turn our lives around - if only we will ask. Last night I felt like my mind was reaching 3 million RPMs in my head, speeding faster than any car I've been dreaming about, and I felt like life was out of control. And it was. But when I wrote last night, as I posted, it acted as a release for me. The Lord accepted that as my plea, as an offering unto Him, and today He has given me a new confidence, He has given me a path to follow, and right now I'm planning out my life at His side. 

I imagine myself sitting next to Daddy, His arm around me, and we're both looking at a layout of my life, and He's showing me where it is I'm coming from, and where I should be going. He's helping me write out how to get my life back in order. He's told me to put my life in order! and He's showing me how! It's such a crazy thought to me. He wants to be in control, and He wants me to be in rest, and this is how He is doing it. Mmm, I love You, Daddy. 

Last night, He whispered into my ear, "You've ravished My heart", and all of today, I've felt it. I've felt His Love radiating down on me, and in return, I'm feeling ravished as well! Being that lover to my Lover is what is setting my life straight. My first Love. Ah, perfect Love. How sweet and glorious! My Lover, I'm ready for You!

Ravished

I'm going through it. (In another sense, my 'other half' is going through it, and I'm going through my own stuff, but pulled into his too.) I feel yo-yo'ed. I feel tugged around right now, like saltwater taffy being pulled in a million directions. I want out. I want off this wild ride. Life is absurd, insane right now. God brewed up a storm and it is with churning waves that tower far above my head. Jesus must have told Daddy, "make the waves really big, eh?" (haha, in the words of Graham Cooke). I just feel so compromised, so half-hearted right now. I feel half-alive sometimes. Then my heart aches so bad, and I remember how alive I really am. My life is out of my control right now, and though I feel out of control - I keep watching God use whatever I think is horrible, and He turns into something magnificent. So I'm just waiting for Him to do that for me now. 

Right now my hair is a mess and needs to be cut, my face is breaking out under stress, I'm having strange pains (stress?), and I just feel anything but beautiful. I can't even seem to get my words straight on a page for a blog! But tonight, as I was thinking about this, and trying to pull my hair out of my face (it's so annoying right now!), and trying to envision my haircut, trying to imagine myself looking and feeling beautiful - God whispered to me. He whispered into my ear as only a lover would. His lips were soft against my ear, and I could hear a loving whisper as He told me "You've ravished My heart". What??? Me? How?? I don't even feel like He is ravishing my heart right now! Can't I at least feel loved right now? But He told me "I am. I do love you - you aren't receiving it, because you've forgotten how to love perfectly. Once you learn that perfect love, you will feel my heart, you'll be overwhelmed like you have been so many times. Overwhelmed by my love, ravished by my heart". Whoa.

What does ravished even mean? I'm reminded of Song of Songs when I read that. There He says "You've ravished my heart, my sister, my bride". Ravished? What is ravishing? Capture. Captivate. Enchant. Enthrall. Thrill. Enrapture. Delight! Charm! I do all of this? Wow. Why? How? 

My heart does this, because He sees my true heart, and He knows who He is making me into. He sees past all of the muck, He sees beyond my layer of skin, He sees beyond my mistakes and sees into my hearts true and pure intentions - my desperate desire to Love and know Love, my desire to be His Bride. Oh my Lover! Come ravish my heart! Let me know Your heart!

Here's my next problem. As I'm going through these millions of things, I wonder: how do I go further? I've noticed, I've grown and grown. And now I feel like I'm at a standstill. I thought, 'oh great! I've made it! I'm done! I'm here!!" and then I felt God shake His head. He said no. I'm at a standstill. I've grown so much on my own, and I've learned so much just by being with Him and delving into His heart - but I've stopped learning on my own. (Or so it feels). If you read back in my entries on here, you'll see that I wrote last summer about how God wanted me to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I've still got that pull. It's stronger. In fact, it's particularly strong right now! I have a thick cord that's trying to pull me ahead right now! I so desperately want to be what He is asking me to be - and I can't do it alone. I need a mentor, a guide, a teacher. I need a Proverbs 31 woman to learn from. I need a woman who's heart has been beckoned the same way, and I need to be able to follow her. I want to pick up her mantle, and get that double-portion. I refuse to come to a spiritual halt for no reason. 

God? Either ignite my passion and open my eyes anew (yes! make all the scales fall off my eyes! Help me to see where I am blind!), or send me someone who can push me to take the next step. Here's the thing: I know the next thing is about to be incredibly painful. But I want to dive in head first anyway. I want to push ahead. Better to get this step of pain out of the way, and be one step closer to Him; better to step forward, plow through pain and get out of this storm, than to be stuck in this thing forever. 

I love You God!

I love you, all my sisters and brothers who are reading this. Please keep me in your prayers, that I would have the strength, courage and desire to press farther, deeper. I truly want to know His heart, and I know my life won't go anywhere until I get past this series of storms. If you're despairing (as I recently find I often am), be encouraged and know that I've gone through several crushing storms in which I've nearly lost my life a few of those times - but I am stronger for it. God has not put me through anything I could not handle - He has always saved me, even if it was at the last moment. Each storm is small enough to make you strong enough to endure the next one. Would you not want to get stronger? To build up endurance? 

There are trials. This is also why we should encourage each other, why I need it, and why I know you need it. 

I know this was a really long entry - my heart is spilling, pouring out. There's so much more still there, but so much I haven't yet uncovered, and so much more I don't yet know how to express other than in tears or groanings (which, lucky for us, God understands perfectly. In fact, the translations can be cool! haha). More will come!

All my love!

Michèle Aimée (Beloved)

Naked Feet

This is another poem I wrote that night on the road back from the Biltmore Estates. Another piece of my heart, and further insight into what my Lover, my Father, my Provider is doing in me...

Something has changed

I don’t know what it is

But I love it so

Nothing in my way

No burden on my heart

No secrets to betray

No man to make me cry

My heart isn’t breaking

My soul isn’t draining or dry

Without need to try anymore

For someone who cannot love my heart

I’m alive! Not breaking to my core

I’ll never find a man

But when he’s ready

He will come find me

Time for me to be free!

Time to breathe, live and love

To reconnect to holy Trinity

Acoustic troubadour

Get up from your hammock

And sing to me, mi Amour!

Love my naked feet

We’ll walk in love,

Walk to music, and by silence

We’ll make up stories for stars

Be warmed by body heat

Keep away from speeding cars

My chivalrous boy, love travel

Love the country and the sea

Fall in love beneath the starry sky

Take my hand – we’ll dance in the street

Giggle and laugh with me

Kick up gravel, sand with naked feet

I’ll love all this alone

until your heart finds mine

I’ll laugh and dance on my own

and wait until His time

copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie, 2009

Vagabond Princess - prose

This is the piece of prose I mentioned in my last post. Happily I can say that the Lord has been kind enough to introduce me to such a person as He promised here :)

Mind you, this isn't a perfect piece, nor do I claim it to be anything brilliant - all I claim is that this is a piece of my joy, my heart and a confession of my spirit.

(I believe I wrote this around December 28, 2008)

Vagabond Princess

What man will come,

I do not know

Though I have my hopes

I cannot know

He must love Christ

First and above all

His heart must be drawn

Feel His call

Of all he may choose

To want from me

All he truly needs

What is heartfelt, and what is free

Let him be alive,

wildly soar

Free heart and soul

Let him let go

Unimpeded

Unafraid to dance or sing

To live, to learn, explore

A vagabond, wayfarer at heart

Unfettered by his mistakes

With a full heart

Not heavy with burden or regret

Only a rage for new life

My love for him

Need not be based on the slight

Let me never love

For things, for talent, or his service

Let it be my heart

To lay down my all for him

And his heart be full

And with unbounded return

All we do together

Shall be ruled by

What God would have us do

Not by either our wills

I will be happy

Even if poor as church-mice

If we follow our call

If he is who is meant for me

I want to be barefoot when I wed

To feel the dirt

Beneath my feet

So close to what is real

Let him sing with me

Play for me

Film with me

Climb with me

Dance with me

Laugh with me

Create with me

Play for me to dance to

When not the happiest

Of times

Let him be tender with me

And I will be all for him

When that is all he needs

I will be his support

And he will be mine

All the while,

We can trust that

God is faithful

knowing He carries us both

When I am ready

In Him,

Let me be all I need

For my wayfaring prince

Without needing to change

Any one thing

About my heart

Oh this vagabond princess

She, my soul can barely hide

copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie 2009

Vagabond Princess

I want to share a piece of my heart, as well as a bit of prose I wrote over Christmas break. I was with my family late that night as we drove back from a majestic sort of day at the Biltmore Estate. I felt like something of a princess right then, enjoying the royal-feeling estate, and yet the afternoon bumming around downtown Asheville had turned my thoughts back to feeling like a gypsy, a vagabond, a wayfarer who enjoyed the road with bare feet. I had just bought a glass-blown necklace with a little yellow glass-blown mushroom in it. You've probably seen me wear it, since I'm never without it. 

It felt glorious. It had been an awe-inspiring day that left me with such conflicting feelings, and such a sense of peace. I knew who God was making me into. I knew I was His princess, and I knew I was a vagabond, enjoying every moment of the wilderness He had me wander into. I was His vagabond princess. Who should a vagabond princess have? A prince who would tame her wild heart? A vagabond who could not care for her heart, but would let her be free? Or would there be someone made to fit? I asked Daddy about it, and though it was dark, and I had no light, He told me to write. He wanted to introduce me to new thoughts; He then introduced me to someone I would not get to know for only a short while longer. He made me content with myself first, and made me realize not to love anyone else before Him. He made me love Him first - my heart was smitten. 

Today I was reminded of this. My eyes were opened last night, and I became painfully aware of the fact that God, my Lover, was trying to Romance me - and I had flat out ignored His advances. He prompted me to realize that He is after my heart, that I am His Beloved, that I am Captivating - that He wants my heart first. So although I am in a 'break' that is painful inside of me (my soul has been trying to thrash my spirit to bits over it), God is telling me I need to fall deeply, madly hopelessly, and faithfully in love with Him all over again. I've neglected my Lover. What a distressing thought! Only once I restore this deserved, necessary love to Him, only then will He restore all else to me. 

Surrender! Surrender your heart to me! (This is what He is calling to me.) Let go! Let go of the world, let go of all other lovers, let go of addictions, obsessions! Let go of worries, of failures, of feelings of worthlessness. Let go of all shortcomings, and weaknesses and realize I AM all you need. Realize that you need no one else, if only you have Me. Take Me, take Me as your Lover, and I will teach you Love. I will teach you how to love yourself, your husband, your family, friends, and all company you keep. I will teach you not to despair, I will teach you not to care about that which the world cares about. I will teach you patience... again. I will teach you joy and thanksgiving. I will teach you the discipline of peace, of rest, of stillness - all of this in your spirit. I will teach your soul (your body, mind, will and emotions) to submit to your spirit, and teach your spirit to submit to My Holy Spirit.

I'm ready, Lord. I surrender. I want it all, and I give up trying. I can't do it on my own anymore, and I don't want to - it is beyond painful. This may be normal to anyone living out of their flesh, but I know so much more, and never want to go back. Why would anyone want to be even in the highest fullness of 'joy' (in their own power) - when it is so much more overwhelming and promising, and beautiful, to be filled with Your Joy - and it is a thousandfold stronger! I want YOUR joy, Lord. Fill me with all you have to give me, and I do not expect any benefits of the world which I've been clinging to, to be restored to me. Yes, by faith I give it all up - and because in faith I know Your promises, I know you want not only to restore me, but to bless me further. So? Here I am Lord. Take it all. You have me. I am Yours.

 

“You will be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord…”

Isaiah 62:3

Sunsets

It's been awhile, but sometimes there are things so awe inspiring, you cannot help but have to write about them. Tonight I was watching the sunset, as I have been every night for some time now. It's one of the most beautiful things I've laid eyes on, and it changes constantly, from moment to moment, and is different every night. Tonight I wrote as I watched the beauty unfurl before me. This isn't prose that I sat down and purposed to write - I was writing this to someone very dear to me, just describing to him what it was I saw. 

The breeze is crisp, the clouds are rippled and drawn out, pulled like
salt-water taffy over the warmth of the setting blaze of a star. The sky
is perfect hues of fading blue. Half of the sky debates darkness with
its grey scrapes of clouds, tainted with pink edges, bleeding orange.
Wisps of white play across the gloom. In the distance, the taffy-pulled
clouds take on a deep purple, and candy oranges play on the edges,
catching light. No silver lining, only the most royal and majestic of
gold-leaf rim the thick bulk of dark taffy-cloud. The wind wafts through
the sky, giving the lavender tinted-clouds a smell of blue-bonnets and
snapdragons. The grey clouds have a sweet smell of incense,
embittered by smoky appearance. Mmm, the cotton candy pink puffs
hovering over the rims of the earth look positively playful!