Ravished

I'm going through it. (In another sense, my 'other half' is going through it, and I'm going through my own stuff, but pulled into his too.) I feel yo-yo'ed. I feel tugged around right now, like saltwater taffy being pulled in a million directions. I want out. I want off this wild ride. Life is absurd, insane right now. God brewed up a storm and it is with churning waves that tower far above my head. Jesus must have told Daddy, "make the waves really big, eh?" (haha, in the words of Graham Cooke). I just feel so compromised, so half-hearted right now. I feel half-alive sometimes. Then my heart aches so bad, and I remember how alive I really am. My life is out of my control right now, and though I feel out of control - I keep watching God use whatever I think is horrible, and He turns into something magnificent. So I'm just waiting for Him to do that for me now. 

Right now my hair is a mess and needs to be cut, my face is breaking out under stress, I'm having strange pains (stress?), and I just feel anything but beautiful. I can't even seem to get my words straight on a page for a blog! But tonight, as I was thinking about this, and trying to pull my hair out of my face (it's so annoying right now!), and trying to envision my haircut, trying to imagine myself looking and feeling beautiful - God whispered to me. He whispered into my ear as only a lover would. His lips were soft against my ear, and I could hear a loving whisper as He told me "You've ravished My heart". What??? Me? How?? I don't even feel like He is ravishing my heart right now! Can't I at least feel loved right now? But He told me "I am. I do love you - you aren't receiving it, because you've forgotten how to love perfectly. Once you learn that perfect love, you will feel my heart, you'll be overwhelmed like you have been so many times. Overwhelmed by my love, ravished by my heart". Whoa.

What does ravished even mean? I'm reminded of Song of Songs when I read that. There He says "You've ravished my heart, my sister, my bride". Ravished? What is ravishing? Capture. Captivate. Enchant. Enthrall. Thrill. Enrapture. Delight! Charm! I do all of this? Wow. Why? How? 

My heart does this, because He sees my true heart, and He knows who He is making me into. He sees past all of the muck, He sees beyond my layer of skin, He sees beyond my mistakes and sees into my hearts true and pure intentions - my desperate desire to Love and know Love, my desire to be His Bride. Oh my Lover! Come ravish my heart! Let me know Your heart!

Here's my next problem. As I'm going through these millions of things, I wonder: how do I go further? I've noticed, I've grown and grown. And now I feel like I'm at a standstill. I thought, 'oh great! I've made it! I'm done! I'm here!!" and then I felt God shake His head. He said no. I'm at a standstill. I've grown so much on my own, and I've learned so much just by being with Him and delving into His heart - but I've stopped learning on my own. (Or so it feels). If you read back in my entries on here, you'll see that I wrote last summer about how God wanted me to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I've still got that pull. It's stronger. In fact, it's particularly strong right now! I have a thick cord that's trying to pull me ahead right now! I so desperately want to be what He is asking me to be - and I can't do it alone. I need a mentor, a guide, a teacher. I need a Proverbs 31 woman to learn from. I need a woman who's heart has been beckoned the same way, and I need to be able to follow her. I want to pick up her mantle, and get that double-portion. I refuse to come to a spiritual halt for no reason. 

God? Either ignite my passion and open my eyes anew (yes! make all the scales fall off my eyes! Help me to see where I am blind!), or send me someone who can push me to take the next step. Here's the thing: I know the next thing is about to be incredibly painful. But I want to dive in head first anyway. I want to push ahead. Better to get this step of pain out of the way, and be one step closer to Him; better to step forward, plow through pain and get out of this storm, than to be stuck in this thing forever. 

I love You God!

I love you, all my sisters and brothers who are reading this. Please keep me in your prayers, that I would have the strength, courage and desire to press farther, deeper. I truly want to know His heart, and I know my life won't go anywhere until I get past this series of storms. If you're despairing (as I recently find I often am), be encouraged and know that I've gone through several crushing storms in which I've nearly lost my life a few of those times - but I am stronger for it. God has not put me through anything I could not handle - He has always saved me, even if it was at the last moment. Each storm is small enough to make you strong enough to endure the next one. Would you not want to get stronger? To build up endurance? 

There are trials. This is also why we should encourage each other, why I need it, and why I know you need it. 

I know this was a really long entry - my heart is spilling, pouring out. There's so much more still there, but so much I haven't yet uncovered, and so much more I don't yet know how to express other than in tears or groanings (which, lucky for us, God understands perfectly. In fact, the translations can be cool! haha). More will come!

All my love!

Michèle Aimée (Beloved)