More adventures

Hi all,

Just to give you guys a heads up - I decided to expand my blog. I may still write on here, but I have a new blog called a Life of Midnight Adventures. It's more colorful and hopefully will be more suited to me than this (very standard looking) blog. Enjoy! You can find it at:

http://midnightadventure.blogspot.com/

-Beloved

Secrets...

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

-Khalil Gibran

Heartache

Oh how my heart doth ache!
I am impassioned with all
that overwhelms my soul!

My soul acheth with burden
My heart weeps
with the loss I must endure

My spirit seems not sure
and does not know what to do
All it can do is cry out

My mind is overwhelmed
with turmoil and pressing thoughts
How I urge rest to come!

How can I ignore the Arrows?
Oh they pierce my heart
They tear through my soul

But how can I neglect the Romance?
My Lover calls in the midst of my pain
My spirit seeks to tend to Him who calls

I ache beneath the weight I carry
My back begins to break
I wonder how I came to carry it all

Though He urges me to give it all up
Not to carry it, but give it to Him
I find I am afraid and don't know how

Though He whispers in my ear
and kisses my heart and my lips
I deny Him, afraid and half ashamed

He calls me in all I do
yet I feel consumed by what is here
Another love has left me broken and alone

My love! Return to me!
Or give me promise of return!
My heart knows not how to cope...

But my Lover tells me peace
My Lover says He comes above all
This Lover says He is my first

My heart aches for what I can touch
for one I can see
Though I must learn He is enough for me

How can one cope?
How dare I toil?
It will only make my heart bitter

I wish I could hope
and I find I hope too much
Do I waste my time? Do I burden myself?

All these answers I wish I knew
And my first Lover I still wish to know
Oh lover, I miss you, still my heart is true...


copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie 2009

Selah

Lord,
Be constant for me, for I waver and am weak like a reed that strains against high winds and waters. I am like a beautiful flower that cannot survive under the beating hail without your hand to cover me. I am like a leaf, drifting without direction, caught up in the winds of this world, waiting for Your gentle breeze to guide me. I am like the clouds, heavy laden with rain and needing a release. I am a fawn in the fields, I cannot survive without a motherly doe's care, or a fatherly stag's protection.


Lord, so as this, I submit myself to you, for I know you will lead me to still waters to drink; you will give me shade to rest, food to eat, and a safe place to lay my head at night. I have no fear, for I know you will keep me from the hunter.
Selah

written by Michele Aimee Lahaie, 2009

my heart...

Have you ever taken time just to notice your heart? There are times when your heart just wants you to be still, and to listen to it; listen to it's hurts, desires, longings and what it misses. What does it want more than anything? 10:00, tonight. I was standing on my balcony, enjoying the evening, watching cars pull in and out onto the street. My heart throbbed slightly. It asked me, 'are you listening?' Yes, dear heart, yes I am. 'are you feeling?' Again, yes. It began to pour out, steadily flowing with thoughts and emotions that had gone unnoticed...

Under control and absolutely Ravishing!

It's so crazy. How quickly God can turn our lives around - if only we will ask. Last night I felt like my mind was reaching 3 million RPMs in my head, speeding faster than any car I've been dreaming about, and I felt like life was out of control. And it was. But when I wrote last night, as I posted, it acted as a release for me. The Lord accepted that as my plea, as an offering unto Him, and today He has given me a new confidence, He has given me a path to follow, and right now I'm planning out my life at His side. 

I imagine myself sitting next to Daddy, His arm around me, and we're both looking at a layout of my life, and He's showing me where it is I'm coming from, and where I should be going. He's helping me write out how to get my life back in order. He's told me to put my life in order! and He's showing me how! It's such a crazy thought to me. He wants to be in control, and He wants me to be in rest, and this is how He is doing it. Mmm, I love You, Daddy. 

Last night, He whispered into my ear, "You've ravished My heart", and all of today, I've felt it. I've felt His Love radiating down on me, and in return, I'm feeling ravished as well! Being that lover to my Lover is what is setting my life straight. My first Love. Ah, perfect Love. How sweet and glorious! My Lover, I'm ready for You!

Ravished

I'm going through it. (In another sense, my 'other half' is going through it, and I'm going through my own stuff, but pulled into his too.) I feel yo-yo'ed. I feel tugged around right now, like saltwater taffy being pulled in a million directions. I want out. I want off this wild ride. Life is absurd, insane right now. God brewed up a storm and it is with churning waves that tower far above my head. Jesus must have told Daddy, "make the waves really big, eh?" (haha, in the words of Graham Cooke). I just feel so compromised, so half-hearted right now. I feel half-alive sometimes. Then my heart aches so bad, and I remember how alive I really am. My life is out of my control right now, and though I feel out of control - I keep watching God use whatever I think is horrible, and He turns into something magnificent. So I'm just waiting for Him to do that for me now. 

Right now my hair is a mess and needs to be cut, my face is breaking out under stress, I'm having strange pains (stress?), and I just feel anything but beautiful. I can't even seem to get my words straight on a page for a blog! But tonight, as I was thinking about this, and trying to pull my hair out of my face (it's so annoying right now!), and trying to envision my haircut, trying to imagine myself looking and feeling beautiful - God whispered to me. He whispered into my ear as only a lover would. His lips were soft against my ear, and I could hear a loving whisper as He told me "You've ravished My heart". What??? Me? How?? I don't even feel like He is ravishing my heart right now! Can't I at least feel loved right now? But He told me "I am. I do love you - you aren't receiving it, because you've forgotten how to love perfectly. Once you learn that perfect love, you will feel my heart, you'll be overwhelmed like you have been so many times. Overwhelmed by my love, ravished by my heart". Whoa.

What does ravished even mean? I'm reminded of Song of Songs when I read that. There He says "You've ravished my heart, my sister, my bride". Ravished? What is ravishing? Capture. Captivate. Enchant. Enthrall. Thrill. Enrapture. Delight! Charm! I do all of this? Wow. Why? How? 

My heart does this, because He sees my true heart, and He knows who He is making me into. He sees past all of the muck, He sees beyond my layer of skin, He sees beyond my mistakes and sees into my hearts true and pure intentions - my desperate desire to Love and know Love, my desire to be His Bride. Oh my Lover! Come ravish my heart! Let me know Your heart!

Here's my next problem. As I'm going through these millions of things, I wonder: how do I go further? I've noticed, I've grown and grown. And now I feel like I'm at a standstill. I thought, 'oh great! I've made it! I'm done! I'm here!!" and then I felt God shake His head. He said no. I'm at a standstill. I've grown so much on my own, and I've learned so much just by being with Him and delving into His heart - but I've stopped learning on my own. (Or so it feels). If you read back in my entries on here, you'll see that I wrote last summer about how God wanted me to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I've still got that pull. It's stronger. In fact, it's particularly strong right now! I have a thick cord that's trying to pull me ahead right now! I so desperately want to be what He is asking me to be - and I can't do it alone. I need a mentor, a guide, a teacher. I need a Proverbs 31 woman to learn from. I need a woman who's heart has been beckoned the same way, and I need to be able to follow her. I want to pick up her mantle, and get that double-portion. I refuse to come to a spiritual halt for no reason. 

God? Either ignite my passion and open my eyes anew (yes! make all the scales fall off my eyes! Help me to see where I am blind!), or send me someone who can push me to take the next step. Here's the thing: I know the next thing is about to be incredibly painful. But I want to dive in head first anyway. I want to push ahead. Better to get this step of pain out of the way, and be one step closer to Him; better to step forward, plow through pain and get out of this storm, than to be stuck in this thing forever. 

I love You God!

I love you, all my sisters and brothers who are reading this. Please keep me in your prayers, that I would have the strength, courage and desire to press farther, deeper. I truly want to know His heart, and I know my life won't go anywhere until I get past this series of storms. If you're despairing (as I recently find I often am), be encouraged and know that I've gone through several crushing storms in which I've nearly lost my life a few of those times - but I am stronger for it. God has not put me through anything I could not handle - He has always saved me, even if it was at the last moment. Each storm is small enough to make you strong enough to endure the next one. Would you not want to get stronger? To build up endurance? 

There are trials. This is also why we should encourage each other, why I need it, and why I know you need it. 

I know this was a really long entry - my heart is spilling, pouring out. There's so much more still there, but so much I haven't yet uncovered, and so much more I don't yet know how to express other than in tears or groanings (which, lucky for us, God understands perfectly. In fact, the translations can be cool! haha). More will come!

All my love!

Michèle Aimée (Beloved)